SCENE ONE
At the Chinese New Year party, Ratso is wearing a traditional Asian farmer’s hat, doing air guitar to “Houses of the Holy” while Saggy and some of his friends are playing Wii bowling. Kristi comes downstairs with her friend, Tamra, who is wearing a pink calf brace with many signatures.
RATSO: What’s up, bitches? Ching chang chong! Why you not dress up for Chink party?
KRISTI: I was gonna wear my mom’s old kimono, but it’s way too long.
RATSO: So cut it off at the cheeks.
KRISTI: I didn’t think of that.
RATSO: No shit, Sherlock. Anyway, we got Tsing Tao in the fridge and shit.
He returns to air guitar, getting into it and splashing some beer in the process. Kristi and Tamra walk over to the refrigerator, where Slim and Chunky are hanging out.
CHUNKY: That is the gayest thing I have heard since that one fag from “Project Runway.”
SLIM: That guy has the same fucking hairstyle as a bunch of chicks on porn covers, except theirs is dyed in big patches. I can’t really explain it.
CHUNKY: Dude, I totally know what you’re talking about. That one girl with the black and pink hair like that from the creampie website and shit? Total fap material.
SLIM: TMI motherfucker! (to the girls) Oh, hey. What’s up?
CHUNKY: How’s your calf?
KRISTI: She doesn’t want to talk about that.
TAMRA: Tonight I just want to get shitfaced and forget about what I should be doing . . .
She trails off and starts crying. Kristi quickly grabs two beers and then takes Tamra off to the bathroom to calm down.
SLIM: Smooth one, dude. You’re halfway to snatchville already.
CHUNKY: What the fuck? I was just trying to show some fucking concern. Anyway, after she’s faded and sees the calendar, she’ll totally be down on all fours and shit.
SLIM: Just make sure she’s drunk enough not to notice what your nipples actually look like.
CHUNKY: Shit! Good call, man. I totally didn’t think about that.
Kristi and Tamra come back.
TAMRA: Sorry about that. I just get so emotional sometimes.
CHUNKY: I totally know what you mean, dude. Like when the Steelers won the Super Bowl, I really felt something.
SLIM: You probably just had to shit really bad.
Everyone laughs.
CHUNKY (to Tamra): Want another beer?
TAMRA: I just opened this one!
CHUNKY: So slam it. Let’s all slam it! Slam it, slam it, slam it!
They all chant together and slam their Tsing Taos.
SCENE TWO
Precious enters a crowded party of Sarah Lawrence students at an upstairs apartment, where groups of kids are talking, drinking from plastic cups. Generic indie dance music is playing, and two flaming boys are erotically dancing next to the stereo. Precious’s acquaintances Gunnar and E.Lin call her over.
GUNNAR: Join us. We were just talking about the Global South.
E.LIN: The world formerly known as third.
PRECIOUS: Naturally. Nothing goes better with Siberian Ice than pseudo-post-colonialist posturing. So, how about them Eritreans?
E.LIN: My friend Jedidiah’s partner is doing a film project on parallels between African starvation and bulimia in upper middle class American high schools.
PRECIOUS: That certainly sounds vomit inducing. Speaking of which, I’m going to acquire a cocktail. I’ll catch you presently.
She walks over to a table of assorted liquors and mixers, where one of the party’s hosts, Sassy, is selling cups.
SASSY: Sorry for the white trashiness, but it’s always a rent party concept.
PRECIOUS: I’d just be spending it on dick otherwise.
She hands over money and gets a cup.
SASSY: I saw you were talking to Gunnar. He’s in my Japanese Film class.
PRECIOUS: That must be a bitch and a half. What does he do? Rant about how Jim Jarmusch and Hal Hartley are the only two men he’d bend over and present his untouched raisin to?
SASSY (laughing): Pretty much.
PRECIOUS: Unfortunately, he has a radio show before mine, and he always goes at least five minutes into my time because he just has to play some obscure European psych epic from the mid-70’s that no one reasonable cares about.
SASSY: Yeah, I remember he has a show. What’s it called?
PRECIOUS: Mutant Frequencies. Surprisingly not as horrifying as you might expect, but then again, he’s always full of surprises. And, mostly, himself.
SASSY: Sebastian and her friends just got here. I should go say hello.
PRECIOUS: Later.
She pours herself a very generous amount of Siberian Ice with a hint of Diet Dr. Pepper and a lemon slice. Her classmate Bill “Samurai” Jones approaches, clearly intoxicated.
SAMURAI: Precious! I was just thinking of you. We were talking about liberatory sexual theory shit and I was like, “Dudes! Precious is totally down on that!” But no one was really listening because they’re all kind of drunk.
PRECIOUS: That’s certainly as good a reason as any. But yes, my pet project with the underclass children has been going well. I would hand out fliers for our performances next month, but they’re still at the printers.
SAMURAI: Awesome! Totally hook me up with that shit when you get the chance.
PRECIOUS: I will.
The music changes to Girl Talk.
SAMURAI: I totally love this album!
PRECIOUS: Greg Gillis is a clothing-averse idol for the masses, all right.
SAMURAI: Come dance!
PRECIOUS: Just give me five more minutes to become unsober, and I’ll shake it like a Polaroid snapshot.
SCENE THREE
Back at the Chinese New Year party, the basement is fairly crowded, with containers of Chinese take out laid on the tables along with beer cans. Saggy is making out with a topless girl on the couch. Ratso and Slim are standing again the wall, both somewhat drunk.
RATSO: Dude, someone needs to take a picture of that shit. Do you have your cell phone?
SLIM: Yeah, but I’m not gonna do over and do that. I’m not gonna take pictures that seem gay or some shit.
RATSO: What if they start fucking? Someone better tell them to get a room.
SLIM: Look at Chunky trying to hook up with Tamra.
RATSO: That piece of trash just might get his dick wet tonight. Fuck! We need to give out the calendars! Is it midnight yet?
SLIM: This isn’t a fucking New Years Eve party. You don’t have to wait for the ball to drop.
They both laugh uproariously.
RATSO: Dude, okay. I’m gonna go upstairs and get the calendars after I piss.
Ratso goes upstairs, leaving Slim standing alone. A very attractive girl walks up to him a moment later. It is Jog Chignon’s sister, Sam.
SAM: You're Precious’s brother, right?
SLIM: Yeah, the bitch is . . . Holy shit! You’re the girl from that fashion show. I totally didn’t notice you were here.
SAM: Yeah. I have no idea why your friend asked me to his party, but I’m so sick of the ones at my high school. Just a bunch of cockmasters listening to shitty classic rock, a giant circle jerk—a pissing contest.
SLIM: Shit, that sounds weak as fuck. Our parties are way better than that.
SAM (sarcastically, which Slim is too drunk to detect): Obviously. So, tell me something entertaining.
SLIM: Okay . . . Well, I work at Fantasy Gifts, you know, that porn and sex toy store next to Dollar Experience in that ghetto strip mall right off 494 and Portland?
SAM: Actually, I don’t know.
SLIM: Well, anyway, the craziest thing happened last week. This really fat guy walked into one of the jack-off booths with a Cub Foods grocery bag, and . . .
His riveting tale is interrupted by Ratso standing on a table and wolf whistling.
RATSO: Bitches and gentlemen! We have some wild shit going down tonight: a special surprise for you. For the Chinese New Year, we made a calendar of a bunch of the guys and you should totally check that shit out. The box is over there next to the 360.
CHUNKY: Tell them why we made it.
RATSO: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, fag. We made it to cheer up Tamra because she can’t compete at some stupid dance fuckfest after she fucked up her calf.
Tamra bursts into tears and run off to the bathroom. Chunky grabs a calendar and heads after her.
SAM: Are you in this thing?
SLIM: No, but I did almost all the photography and art direction.
SAM: That must have been really fun.
SLIM: Yeah, it was pretty tight.
RATSO (interrupting): Not as tight as my brother’s pecs though. Look at this shit!
He displays one of Saggy’s photos.
RATSO: And here’s one of me. Dude, thanks for making my thighs look so good.
SLIM: Yeah, they do look nice.
Sam looks incredulous but slightly intrigued.
SAM: Can I have one?
RATSO: Dude, I will totally sign your copy. Aren’t you glad you decided to come to this party?
SAM: I can’t tell you how glad I am.
SCENE FOUR
Raymond and his wife are watching a marathon of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” Slim walks in from the kitchen, holding a glass of water and two Alleves, which he quickly swallows.
WIFE: I would say good morning, but it’s nearly 2:30! You must have had quite a time at that party last night.
RAYMOND: I remember when I was in high school. I would get wasted and, half the time, have no idea what happened the next day. Hopefully I never accidentally impregnated anyone!
WIFE: No indeedy!
RAYMOND: Imagine the child support lawsuits!
He pauses a moment to do just that.
RAYMOND: So, how was your party?
SLIM: It was okay. Everyone liked the calendar, and I met this hot bitch whose older brother knows Precious.
WIFE: Oh dear. I hope this girl isn’t a pretentious hairy-legged feminazi like most of the “girls” your sister hangs out with.
SLIM: Not at all.
RAYMOND: So she wasn’t frightfully butch?
SLIM: Nope. Totally femme.
RAYMOND: Not that I have a problem with butchies. God knows, I love it when they come into my store and buy artisanal strap-ons, tit clamps, and other toys. They have a discerning eye for sex toys, those butch dykes!
SLIM: Yeah, dude, but is there even porn starring butch chicks? All the lesbians I’ve seen look pretty straight.
RAYMOND: I’ve wondered about that myself, but I think lesbian porn is just for men who enjoy masturbating without having to see a big old penis on the screen.
SLIM: That’s cogent.
WIFE: So, did you get this girl’s number? Are you going to take her to the movies and poke your candy car into her popcorn box?
SLIM: That is fucking revolting. And no, unfortunately I didn’t get the digits. Ratso was trying to mack on her, but that didn’t really work. It was actually pretty fucking funny to see his self-assured ass get denied.
WIFE: I’m surprised he’s popular with the ladies. He’s always been a very homely boy, that one.
SLIM: Yeah. I guess self-confidence goes a long way.
RAYMOND: It does! And you need a hot beef injection of self-confidence. Act like you’re Casanova and this girl will melt in your arms. And your mouth!
SLIM: That is fucking sick as fuck!
SCENE FIVE
Jogs and Sam are having coffee at a diner on East Lake Street.
SAM (laughing): So, you better watch out! You’ve got some competition.
JOGS: It’s really strange that that kid has the hots for Boobs.
SAM: Yeah, but maybe he’ll start dating the girl with the cast. They were all over each other right before I left.
JOGS: I guess those parties haven’t changed in the last two years.
SAM: Yeah, they must be the same everywhere. Or variations on a theme.
JOGS: And I still cannot get over that calendar. What the fuck is wrong with people?
SAM: I don’t know. The horse picture was pretty hot. And the cock one was . . . well, I’ll leave it to your imagination.
JOGS: What about the dude who’s crushing on Boobs?
SAM: He was the tiger, and maybe one other one. He did have a pretty built ass.
JOGS: Fuck. Maybe I should get a personal trainer.
SAM: You better!
JOGS: So, Precious’s brother sounds nothing like her.
SAM: Yeah. I didn’t get much of an impression of him, but that might be a good thing.
JOGS: He seemed okay to me.
SAM: Well, I doubt I’ll see any of those guys again. But at least I have good stories.
JOGS: And the calendar!
SAM: Yes. The best part.
END OF SCENE FIVE
END OF EPISODE
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