Thursday, September 24, 2009

College Tips, Fall 2009 Edition

So you’ve finally graduated from high school. No one thought you could do it, but you did, and some pathetic-ass college accepted your pathetic ass, and you spent a summer drinking beer that tastes like delicious, refreshing water, smoking oregano in parks in Blaine with the bros, engaging in clumsy sexual engagements, and of course, most of all, playing beer pong. And you can and certainly will continue to do all those things at college, minus the Blaine, but this time, your bros won’t be there with a plastic cup in one hand and a digital camera, to capture shirtless images for social networking websites, in the other.

That’s right, peoples. You’ll need to meet some new friends in college, which will be easy because everyone at college is fantastic, smart, classy, elegant, sexually confused, and in a constant social panic driven by a paranoid obsession with garnering approval by their new peers. But just in case you are one of them tards who can’t fucking made friends easily, I’m here to assist you with several exciting tips that will enliven and enquicken your brohunt.


The godless American legal regime flies out the window, not literally unless you’ve consumed very special substances, when you enter a university’s halls of residence. And you know what that means: No worrying about those pesky indecent exposure arrests that plagued your high school cross country team’s annual campfire. What better way to get to know people than to see all of them, all the time, all night all day, all right?

Bare bodies are great conversation-starters. Ask any married man where he met his best friend, his Best Man, his best bud, his best bro, the man who treated him to a thousand dollars worth of lap and bed dances during his bachelor party at Floppy Tatters, and you’ll get the same answer. “I noticed his sick pecs in the dorm.” Well, not exactly. Sometimes it’ll be abs, or lats, or quads, or in the case of European international students, glutes or basket. But it’s variations on the same concept.

Also, nudity facilitates so many other exciting exchanges of all sorts, cultural, physical, beverage, animal, mineral, vegetable, pine cone. You’ll have easy access to parts you want to touch, tweak, or grab. Hookups can be as fast or slow as you want. Most importantly, today’s cultural aversion to body hair will ensure everyone is waxed into preadolescence, and there’s nothing sexier than fantasizing about people with limited or no secondary sex characteristics.


Campus is a big place with lots of fun things to see and people to do, so get orientated. Or actually, reorientated, since during orientation you were probably too excited to take in everything you were supposed to be taking in. Find the library, where the people you’ll never hang out with spend hours becoming pale and withered and pretending they’re so fucking smart. Find the dining facilities, where you’ll soon experience the beloved college ritual of clapping when some idiot drops a tray full of plates, glasses, silverware, and delicious food all over the floor. Find the stadium, where you will, along with everyone who isn’t a fag, cheer on your teams, fueled by alcohol snuck in with stealth devices such as flasks shaped like ultrarealistic binoculars.

Naturally you won’t be spending much time off-campus, especially if your school is a brief public transportation jaunt from one of America’s largest and most vibrant cities. You’re not at college to go into cities, go to concerts and movies you can’t see in your small campus shithole town, have fantastic food, and interact with people who are not only not also in college, but also frequently not white. Unless your dorm does some field trip and then you can go and eat at Planet Hollywood and shit. But otherwise, no.

However, often campuses are surrounded by businesses catering almost exclusively to the campus community, places where you can drink without being ID’d, and in fact could do so even if you were a delightfully hairless preadolescent. Another piece of advice: Always order the buffalo wings. There may also be cafes where the fags go to smoke black cigarettes and pretend to be proud because they made the choice to engage in immoral same-sex cuddling. So avoid those. But don’t avoid the lovely chain restaurants selling large portions of unhealthy food, as you will need this sustenance when you’re sick of the cafeteria or, morel likely, fucked up off your fucking ass.


That’s what you have to be. Nobody likes a quiet bro. Quiet bros are thinking about bad shit, like Columbine-type shit. Also, frequently they are fags. So embrace your inner gregarious person even if you need to develop it from vestigiality. You’ll find there’s so much to talk about now that you’re living with people who have so many things in common with you. For example, did you know that most people tend to like pizza? Also, you’ll be shocked at the sheer number of people who have been drinking water practically their whole lives!

The key thing to remember is to never share a negative opinion about anything. If your dormmates love music that you hate, like hate to the point you’d rather listen to NPR or some equally gay shit like that, never, ever mention it. It’s important to be approving in all situations, because imagine how you would feel if anyone expressed disapproval of something that you liked. You would kill them, or yourself, or both. Or, at the very least, wind up in therapy for the rest of your life. So be nice, don’t judge, and remember, there’s always pizza. Pizza, pizza, pizza!

The best part of socializing is getting to meet bitches, bitches who will be eager to give you blowjobs and expect nothing in return, bitches who will be there when you’re drunk and need someone to hold your unit, and bitches to, of course, fuck. Unless you’re a homo, you won’t have your whole life to be promiscuous and flaunt monogamy, so take advantage while the snatch is willing, eager, and with a little luck, hairless.


Dorm life, that is. Experience dorm life. I’ve already mentioned some of the greatest parts about it, but there’s more! You can put up posters of hot chicks, even ones with nudity, and no one will care. Unless some drunk dude decides to whip it out and jack off in the common room, which trust me, you do not want to walk in on. You can also have a cute little refrigerator filled with beer, beer, beer, beer, and whatever else you need refrigerated. You can watch TV and play video games all day long, and no one will tell you to go outside because it’s a beautiful day and you’re rotting your brain in front of that fucking box.

Many dorms also have fun events, like board game night, which are great because the fags will all go and be away from you and everyone else can let loose. You’ll also have an RA, usually an uptight bitch who just needs a good pounding but is saving it for marriage. Ignore her unless you are interested in pranks, in which case she is the ideal victim. But don’t get caught, because if you lose your keys, which could happen if you eat an entire pot muffin although I’m not speaking from personal experience, but you’d need her to get back in the room.

The only bad part of dorm life is that you have to do your own laundry and cleaning, but if you play your cards right, you can get some bitch or homo to do that for you. Blackmail and sexual quid pro quo are two vehicles to actualize that, although the latter is limited to the bitch category of course.


This is a special time of your life. You’re special. You’ll meet special people from special places and do special things to and with them. You’ll make special memories that will remain special for your whole life. You’ll laugh, learn, love, lust, linger, lunge, lactate, lick, and most important, play beer pong. A whole lot of beer pong.

In fact, right now there’s a red cup with your name on it and a keg of Natty Light. Stop reading and start partying!