Hello California!

Scenes from the Class Struggle in and Near the 2009 Cow Palace Tattoo Expo (Or: I Skipped the 2009 Minnesota State High Kick/Precision Dance Team Tournament For THIS?!?)

1. Alfie Patten

In 2008, Alfie Patten experienced an instantaneous but incomplete puberty: his outward appearance, when clothed, remained staunchly pre-pubescent, yet underneath, undeniable secondary sex characteristics were visible to whomever Alfie chose to expose himself to.

One such person was his girlfriend, Chantelle. Chantelle was a slut; she never met a pair of balls that didn’t scream “Squeeze me!” to her. Sliders confused her—the hamburgers, that is. She spent her afternoons teaching local chavs the way of the world, and although as many as ten had been playing bury the carrot with her around the time she got pregnant, she was always certain the baby would be Alfie’s.

Chantelle was very excited to be pregnant. Because she was poor and trashy and ignored by her parents, she thought a child would fill the tenderness void in her heart. Chantelle also had very painful periods: her tampons could barely withstand the menstrual tornado that churned inside her once a lunar cycle. So, she wasn’t too sad about giving up heavy flow days for morning sickness.

Their daughter, Maisie, was born on February 14: Valentine’s Day. Alfie sent a picture of Chantelle’s dilated vagina to everyone in his phone book, which of course is why you have all seen the viral videos and remixes of Chantelle’s fanny on YouTube now.

One of the mixes, the happy hardcore remix, is set to the song “Heart of Gold” by Force & Styles, the first happy hardcore song I ever heard in public.

2. High School

When I am around high school students, I usually feel homicidal, and occasionally suicidal. This is true because high school students are supposed to be our future, and imagining a future ruled by the kind of culturally illiterate, horny, pathetic retards that are poisoning our institutions of secondary education right now is pretty fucking awful.

“Dude!” they say. “That bitch totally just got raped!” And this is a description of how they want their Subway sandwich prepared.

They’ve destroyed our language, reduced it to an incoherent code of interwoven images, abbreviations, references to niche market pornography, encrypted Peter Frampton chord progressions.

Just try talking to a high school student. Ask them something basic. Ask them, “Where would you like to have lunch near the Berkeley campus today?”

“Played-out fag crepe shit’s dece, but I love the fuck out of Fat Slice no homo.”

Smoke was coming out of my ears, and I’m not even smoking cigarettes at this point in time!

3. THC

Teenagers also love smoking the drugs. They tell very long stories about people on drugs, stories that are not at all interesting and even less appropriate.

“Dude, remember that one time when we smoked the medicinal-grade shit and then went grocery shopping and I ate an entire box of Lucky Charms and then the next day we had extra cheese and garlic pizza on Potrero and on the way to Japantown I was barely able to restrain myself from taking a huge shit all over the bus and those black people in the back were listening to crunk and that fat fag next to me said Pass the malt liquor! which was pretty funny but I was afraid to laugh because I could have shit.”

I mean, yes, obviously I enjoyed the odd hit from a three hundred dollar bong back in my day, but back then there was some class involved with the whole proceedings. Today all the class is gone from drug use, which is really a sign that society is being flushed down the toilet of chaos.

4. I Love Money

“I’m on the cutting board, and they’re gonna cut the cheese.”

5. Fuck Those Cathedral Bitches

Is that of justice too much to ask? I mean, it’s Valentine’s Day, the day of love, so why can’t we have some nice, sturdy justice alongside the love?

What is love?

Resolved: One is such a lonely number.

What to expect: binaries, Zizek, gendered language, phallic numerology, determinism, drag, conversation hearts.

High school dance chaperones across the country are freaking out about a new dance craze. The dance, known as the “dick to face sweep,” is already the subject of much consternation . . .

Urban Outfitters sold x-rated conversation hearts this year. The most infamous varieties include “my backdoor is always open 4 u” and “meet me outside for hj after geometry class.”

They’re on clearance now, so act fast and stock up on enough love to last you until 2010.