SCENE I
Slim and Chunky are at Dollar Experience, the cheapass, ghetto store next to Fantasy Gifts, looking for props for the calendar photo shoot.
SLIM: What the fuck are we going to do for the Rat? What do rats do other than hang out in the sewer and garbage cans and shit?
CHUNKY: We could just have Ratso coming out of a garbage can like the one bitch who’s always coming out of that fucking clam shell. Who the fuck is that, anyway?
SLIM: I’m not sure. But Ratso said he wanted to show off his legs. Did he mean his thighs or calves or what?
CHUNKY: Well, Saggy has pretty nice thighs, but I don’t know about Ratso. I’m trying to picture them.
Boobs Carlisle spots Slim and Chunky and walks over, bumping fists with both of them.
BOOBS: What are you guys doing in a ghetto shithole like this?
CHUNKY: My family buys all our shit here. Slim can probably afford K-Mart but we aren’t rich like that.
SLIM: I’m gonna call Ratso and ask about his thighs.
He walks a few feet away to make the call.
CHUNKY: So, how’s work?
BOOBS: Not so great lately. They hired some psychotic bitch named Takela who was putting holes in the free condoms backstage, the ones girls bring with them when they fuck johns after work.
CHUNKY: What the hell?
BOOBS: Yeah, so there’ve been a bunch of pregnancy scares and shit. I’ve done enough drugs so my uterus is shot to hell, thank Goddess. But it still sucked. Anyway, I gotta go check out and get downtown. Stop in for a lap dance if you ever win the lottery.
CHUNKY (dreamily): I will.
Slim walks back over to Chunky.
SLIM: He said he did want to show off his thighs, but apparently they can’t find twelve guys to do the calendar so he can take another sign. I guess Horse or Dog?
CHUNKY: Is there a bathroom here? I really need one.
SLIM: If not, you can use the employee one next door, or the jack-off booths in the back if they’re empty. I’ll look for whatever the fuck we can turn into fire for the Dragon picture.
SCENE II
Slim is hanging out with his parents in their living room.
SLIM: We got bananas and this fake plant for the monkey, a carrot for the horse. I’m not sure if he’s going to cover his dick with the carrot or just put it in his mouth or what.
WIFE: It seems like that would depend upon the camera angle and, of course, the size of the carrot and his unit.
SLIM: Yeah, I’ll guess we’ll see on the day.
RAYMOND: I’m telling you, you should really advertise my store on the calendar. And not just because we provided the body paint and edible glitter for the Tiger, but because we could really use more female customers who aren’t dykes.
SLIM: Dude, I already told you, it’s fine with me but I have to wait and ask my fucking friends.
RAYMOND: Just let me know.
SLIM: Obviously. Anyway, I need to go upstairs and research what lighting shows off pecs.
Slim heads upstairs.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry that Slim is spending too much time around men and lesbians. He really needs a strong, female influence in his life. Maybe we could find a nice girl and pay her to have sex with him and hang out with him.
RAYMOND: Except for that last part, you sound like Precious! Like feminazi daughter, like mother, I guess. Our boy is completely fine. He’s healthy, he’s working with high quality anal beads and Fleshlight Ices, he has this calendar. All healthy, manly activities.
WIFE: I know you’re right. It’s just that his babydaddy was always talking about how, if a man doesn’t hunt and shoot and sexually harass his coworkers, he might switch teams.
RAYMOND: You mean become a shit-stabber? That’s a bunch of hooey. That hunting and shooting shit is for people that live on farms and fuck goats, not gals. And the only coworker he has to harass is me! Should I ask him to grab my basket while we’re arranging ball harnesses tomorrow?
WIFE (laughing): I’m glad you can talk sense when I let my female irrationality take over. I am sorry, but you knew about my crippling emotional baggage when you asked for my hand.
RAYMOND: I sure did! Now, if only I can convince Slim to pose for that calendar . . .
SCENE III
Slim, Chunky, Saggy, and Ratso are in Saggy and Ratso’s basement, setting up equipment for the photo shoot.
RATSO: So for the dog one, Bulge said he didn’t want to pose with a real dog because he was afraid it would bite his dick or some shit.
CHUNKY: Dude, have you seen Bulge’s dick?
RATSO: We all have.
CHUNKY: If I were a dog, I might bite that shit.
SLIM: I think you’d be too busy licking your own balls.
CHUNKY: Oh yeah. That’d be awesome.
SAGGY: Hella.
SLIM: So we’ll get a stuffed dog or something like that. Which one should we do first?
CHUNKY: I’ll go first.
SLIM: Okay, Tiger first. Are you gonna go paint your stripes with the edible body paint? Here’s what you’re wearing.
He hands chunky a tiger-pattered loincloth.
RATSO: That is so fucking perfect! Your job is making this shit super-easy. Dude, we should totally put on some sexy music before we start. How about CCR?
SAGGY: Hella yes.
SLIM: Whatever. I’m going to set up my computer so the picture will look like it was taken in the jungle.
He sits down and starts working while Ratso opens a beer off another beer and loudly sings along to “Fortunate Son.” Saggy opens the second beer with his teeth and turns on the 360.
SLIM: This is fucking awesome. We can have him next to a giraffe, or by this river . . . I wonder what body position would look the best here. Will you check this out, Ratso?
Ratso continues singing but walks over to check out Slim’s computer.
SLIM: Should he be lying on his side, or maybe just lounging, like reclining? Like this?
Slim demonstrates the position; just then, Chunky comes out of the bathroom.
SLIM: Do you think you would look good lying like this?
CHUNKY: I thought the point of the loincloth was to show off some of my ass, and that pose wouldn’t do that at all.
SLIM: Dude, look at this background! It’s going to be fantastic. Also, where do you want me to rub this body glitter on you?
RATSO: Chunky, your ass does look pretty nice. Do you do pull-throughs?
CHUNKY: And squats. You gotta isolate, fuckers!
RATSO: Tamra is totally going to let you hit that after she sees this.
Slim rubs a blob of body glitter between his hands and begins slathering it on Chunky’s chest.
CHUNKY: You guys haven’t even mentioned my nipples yet.
RATSO: Oh, yeah. Dude, those are pretty fucked up.
SCENE IV
Slim, Chunky, Ratso, and Saggy are eating at Chipotle.
RATSO: This piece of meat looks exactly like the face of that bitch you can fuck in GTA: San Andreas! Look at it!
CHUNKY: That is fucking uncanny.
RATSO: “Yes, I would like to eat you.”
He devours the meat chunk.
SLIM: So, the guy at Kinko’s said they’ll definitely be ready for Friday.
RATSO: Awesome! We can sell them at the Chinese New Year’s party. Oh yeah, Saggy, did you ask mom about getting us a keg of some chink beer?
SAGGY: Forgot.
RATSO: Dude, you have to fucking ask her tonight! She might pick up some American shit instead and the party would be fucking ruined. We’re gonna get food from the Great Wall.
CHUNKY: That place is kind of expensive.
RATSO: Yeah, for poor motherfuckers like your white trash ass.
SLIM: It was interesting finally meeting Bulge. I always wondered if maybe his nickname was really ironic, and now I know.
RATSO: Yeah, you fucking know all right. Bulge is a tight du, but he can be a little bit flaky sometimes. He hangs out with too many bitches.
CHUNKY: Did you remember to Photoshop my nipples?
SLIM: Yes, dude. Your fucking nipples are going to look normal. They’re going to scream out to Tamra, “Tweak me! Pinch me! Nibble at me bitch!”
The Hispanic family at the next table gives Slim a strange look.
CHUNKY: Okay. I trust you.
RATSO: Dudes, we are going to be fighting the bitches off us. They might even get desperate and try to go for Slim’s jock at the party. You can finally use the condom that’s been in your wallet since 2004.
SLIM: That isn’t a condom, you ignorant piece of shit. It’s a novelty bubble gum product. I don’t think I’d have a hard time getting condoms.
RATSO: But you’d have a HARD time using them. Literally!
SLIM: Dude, that makes no sense.
SAGGY: Hella true.
RATSO: So now everyone’s a motherfucking linguist? Shut up and eat your fajita burrito bowl. Are you gonna finish your extra thing of corn?
SCENE V
At the health club, Chunky is spotting Ratso, helping him with his pull-through technique, while Saggy is doing ab exercises with a hot pink rubber ball.
RATSO: Bulge won’t even do these because he thinks they look gay. What a fucking loser.
CHUNKY: Dude, you gotta clench harder. Focus, concentrate, and clench. Bulge’s ass is pretty flat.
RATSO: It’s very fucking flat.
CHUNKY: Nothing to grab onto.
RATSO: I know! What the fuck is he thinking?
Jogs Chingon, an alma mater of the boys’ high school, walks over wearing a pea-green tracksuit.
JOGS: Hey, aren’t you guys friends with Precious Cox’s younger brother?
CHUNKY: Yeah, we’re bros. Aren’t you the du from that fashion show? With the hot sister?
JOGS: Yeah, I’m Jogs.
RATSO: Dude, no offense, but you don’t look like the kind of person who hangs out at the gym.
JOGS: Yeah, but actually I’ve lost fifteen pounds recently. This girl said she would date me if I stopped being so fat, and I’ve been real motivated.
CHUNKY: What kind of bitch is worth that much fucking trouble for? Sure, I juice my glutes, but that’s not just for girls and it’s not like losing the weight of an entire person.
JOGS: She’s a pretty special girl.
RATSO: I fucking hope she’s a porn star.
JOGS: Actually, she is a sex worker, but just a stripper. Are you guys old enough to go to the Vu?
CHUNKY: We got ID’s, and I’ve been there.
JOGS: Well, maybe you’ve had her gyrate on your crotch then.
CHUNKY: Lap dances are sort of out of my price range.
RATSO: I’d be up for that, if you . . .
CHUNKY: Stop joking and start clenching! (to Jogs) Precious has a friend who works there too, named Boobs.
JOGS: You’ve met her?
CHUNKY: Just for a minute.
JOGS: Well, I gotta go work off my own boobs in her name. It was nice seeing you.
RATSO: Wait a fucking second, fatass! I want to hear more about your hot sister and whether she would be up for the best fucking Chinese New Years party this side of Tokyo.
END OF PART TWO
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