When I first considered the conceptual arbitrariness that is simultaneously a boon and bane with regard to putting myself out there in the blogosphere, my mind began leaping across academic and cultural disciplines: island-hopping if you will (cf Jeff from this season of “Top Chef”). Why should I blog? Why should anyone blog? What’s the sound of one hand blogging? Fuck. These will never be answered, and in fact if you read blogs because you think you “get” writing, then you’re a fucking retard. The impossibility of virtual exchange via the interweb reaching a state with which confidence about the message, the medium, the Mexican—it’s all a clusterfuck. And so are you. Fuck.
Nevertheless, since blogging is arguably one of the few ways to prevent the impossibility of ethics, I decided to jump into this miasmic pool, this diaphanous web of pop cultural witticisms, grammatical structures intended to stress the intelligence of my writing as well as its ability to be read aloud smoothly and delightfully. I am here. Fuck. And I suppose, so are you, now. But if you think you’re my intellectual equal, you are fundamentally retarded.
Now, let’s talk about music, and specifically the music of the 1980’s. This was the decade when no wave turned new, when the seeds of grunge were developing like the breasts of an adolescent girl (cf yo mama). I was alive for just over one year of the 1980’s; however, still, I obviously have heard every worthwhile recording, from the dazzlingly obscure to the most crust-worn consensus rock opus, and will now inform you what’s the best and what’s the rest. Fuck. My taste is better than yours, of course, so if you disagree with any of this you are only proving me right, just as arguments against the standard of logic fundamentally self-implode by applying to the very body of logic they are trying to criticize. Isn’t that special (cf 1990’s SNL)?
1. Samantha Fox – S/T – 1987
Just when I thought I was sick of this former-topless model from England and her fluffy confections which sadly lacked a meaty undertone to grab onto, Stock, Hausen and Waterman stepped in and added their trademark production. They left the breasts intact but added pop radio-friendly electric beats, most memorably on the song “Naughty Girls (Need Love Too).” Words truly cannot express how good that song—and her boobs—were/are.
2. Skating for Cover – Rituals – 1983
There are bands that take delicious tracks with some appalling element and given them life, there are producers that feed off already good mean, and then there are bands like Skating for Cover that are so obscure, even your roommate’s pretentious boyfriend who has a tape label out of his dorm and thinks Xela is too mainstream hasn’t heard of them. Lack of accessible boobage photography knocks this gem down from an otherwise-deserving number wonderful.
3. Lita Ford – Lita – 1988
Lita Ford has some of those voices that, for whatever reason, just invokes whiskey-soaked nights slutting it up. Fuck. This album features drunk-rockin’ ditties and the best opening line ever, with which “Kiss Me Deadly” begins.
4. Poison – Look What the Cat Dragged In – 1984
This has been the album that I put on when I’m trying to apply insane amounts of makeup before a party, my spirits are dying down, and I seek an injection of fresh liquid liner-bangin’ hotness. These tracks are about bitches being tickled by the feathered hair of drunken coke addicts. You will pump your fist in the air when “Talk Dirty to Me” comes on, and when you put on “I Want Action,” you will get what you want.
5. Terence Trent D’Arby – Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D’Arby – 1987
The ultimate father figure for so many girls and homosexuals during his time in the spotlight, Trent D’Abry left a lot of space between his sexy, drawn-out thighs, and his liquid croon would make anyone promise not to “kiss and tell” (cf “Wishing Well”). His erotic dancing inspired legions of guys to render themselves at least temporarily sterile after attempting to impress chicks with the split.
6. Old Skull – Get Outta School – 1989
Generally, I don’t think you should fuck with hardcore trios made up of nine-tear-old boys, especially when the tracks on their debut albums have names like “AIDS,” “Hot Dog Hell,” and “Who Lit the House.” In this case, well, damn. Fuck. They rock your shit off yet twinkle that classy feel that makes you forget you’re headbingin’ to a bunch of tender young boys.
7. Silicon Teens – Music for Parties – 1980
This album is allegedly by a trio of teen hipsters, but I could swear it was really the work of just one man: the man who made Depeche Mode Famous. This album has a high-concept, mesmerizing appeal: it features almost solely covers of Motown-era hits. And it’s really, really rare and shit. Fuck. I wish I had a copy of this on vinyl so badly.
8. Wall of Voodoo – Call of the West – 1982
I guess we’re scared of nerdalicious written long in the past. Or so I thought until I listened to this entire album and realized it would make hot proto-electro-disco-synth hits even today. I mean, it’s on IRS. They can turn shit buttons into Fuck Buttons.
9. Cher – Heart of Stone – 1989
Coming from her phenomenal Cher (1987) live set, the crazily-dressed bitch showed her ass to the entire navy in the most memorable music video until “Time to Pretend.” This banger of an album is dirty, very dirty; it’s about hard, pounding songs and “Just Like Jesse James” is truly a neglected classic.
10. My Bloody Valentine – Isn’t Anything – 1988
Duh. Fuck.
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