SCENE I
Slim Cox is having breakfast with his parents in their kitchen.
RAYMOND: It’s amazing, really. His description of the Vibro’s ability to stimulate the “P” spot is so vivid. I can’t believe how many people come into my shop looking for just some Magnums and lube, and leave with a 150-dollar prostate stimulator.
WIFE: That is so sweet. And I got some great news from Precious last night. Remember that center for underprivileged youth she’s working at?
SLIM: Children of Malt Liquor?
PRECIOUS: That sounds racist to me.
SLIM: That’s what it’s called, bitch!
WIFE: Oh! Well, then, I sit corrected. Anyhoo, Precious has choreographed a routine where the 7- to 9-year-old boys are going to perform an exact replica of a performance by Manpower Australia!
SLIM: With the same outfits? The red thongs or whatever shit they have now?
WIFE: Gee, I didn’t think to ask. Sometimes I really can be shockingly stupid, but you guys know that.
SLIM: Why the fuck is she making them do that gay shit, anyway?
WIFE: She said something about deconstructing the hegemonic conception of the sexualization of something or other. It didn’t make all that much sense to me.
RAYMOND: Well, that is nice! I’ve got to head out, though. We’re getting a shipment of Spandex bodywear that I need to tag and display. It can be a real bitch putting stuff like thongeralls on my mannequins!
SLIM: Using baby powder helps with that.
RAYMOND: Geez, you just know everything! And I bet you have some baby powder upstairs you can lend me.
SLIM: Dude, hello. I have balls.
RAYMOND: Do you ever!
SCENE II
Ratso and Saggy Rubinstein are in the boys’ locker room after gym class, sitting facing each other, topless.
RATSO: Dude, that creatine is really fucking working on your bitch tits. Can I touch them?
SAGGY: Hella yes.
Ratso tweaks his brother’s left pec surreptitiously.
RATSO: Dude, I need to start lifting. Who the fuck says January is too early to start juicing?
RATSO: Hella not me.
Slim and Chunky enter the locker room.
RATSO: Look at my brother’s tits! Dude, do you want to touch them?
CHUNKY: Fuck no.
SLIM: That’s pretty fucking gay.
RATSO: What the fuck is wrong with you? If it’s gay to fucking admire another man’s pecs, then pretty much everything in the world is gay.
SLIM: Fine, but I’m not going to touch that shit. And also, your brother needs to not fucking sag his boxers because I don’t want to see his pubes and what may or may not be a section of his dick.
RATSO: Dude, you’re the one looking there!
SLIM: Because it’s a fucking train wreck!
CHUNKY: Who cares?
RATSO: Dude, you’re the one that won’t even take off your shirt when we go swimming.
CHUNKY: I’ve told you that I have weird nipples. I don’t like showing my nipples to people.
RATSO: Why? Are they hairy? Mine are super hairy but I shave them every couple of weeks. See?
CHUNKY: Your boobs look fine.
SCENE III
Slim, Chunky, Saggy, and Ratso leave the locker room and walk down the hallway. Kristie, Saggy’s friend with benefits, approaches them. She is wearing Juicy Couture sweatpants, Uggs, and a puffy Abercrombie vest.
SAGGY: Hey bitch.
KRISTIE: Have you heard what happened? This is seriously like the biggest tragedy since the fucking Holocaust!
CHUNKY: Is that the thing from that one movie with the guy from Batman Begins?
KRISTIE: That is so not important right now.
RATSO: So what the fuck happened?
KRISTIE: Tamra sprained her calf and now she can’t be in the section dance team tournament!
RATSO: How did she sprain it? Trying out some kinky new sexual position?
SLIM: We have a great product for that called the Liberator Wedge; it’s one of our top sellers. Often called the connoisseur's serving spoon of choice, the Wedge offers delivery at a divine incline for deeper penetration and G-spot navigation. The 27-degree angle excels every oral performance, eases any anal expedition and intensifies every single sensation. Always a favorite with the ladies!
RATSO: Dude, that sounds amazing!
KRISTIE: Aren’t you sad for Tamra though?
SLIM: This is the same bitch who bruised her sternum getting titty-fucked by . . . actually, was that you, Saggy?
SAGGY: No idea.
SLIM: Whatever. Until I hear how she hurt herself, I fucking reserve judgment.
KRISTIE: You are such a fucking asshole! God, I can’t believe you guys.
CHUNKY: Hey, I totally feel sad for her.
RATSO: Yeah right. You feel for her but that feeling isn’t called sadness.
CHUNKY: Whatever’s it’s called, let’s think of something to cheer her up.
KRISTIE: Saggy, you’re going to help with that, aren’t you?
SAGGY: Whatever.
RATSO: Dude, I’m in. Anything to help a bro get pussy. What about you, Slim?
SLIM: I think I’ll stick to the periphery on this one. But if you want to get her an Odyssey Tickler or a Slimline Waterdancer or something , you know where to go.
SCENE IV
Ratso and Saggy are hanging out in their basement with Chunky, drinking Natty Ice. Ratso is playing Street Fighter II on the modded XBOX Classic; his fighter of choice is Chun Li.
RATSO: That is so fucking not the best Pink Floyd album! Dude, you are fundamentally retarded for even thinking that shit!
CHUNKY: I don’t get all your post-Barrett apologist bullshit, but I’m not gonna argue about it.
RATSO: Yes you are. You’re going to fucking argue until you admit that you’re a bitch that doesn’t know shit about the second-greatest band of all time.
Ratso’s phone rings and he answers it.
RATSO: Bulge! Dude, why the fuck aren’t you here yet? . . . Okay, just grab whatever bitches are around.
CHUNKY: Dude, Chun Li just got raped by that sumo fatass. I bet dude would rip her snatch a new asshole if they could actually fuck.
SAGGY: Truf.
RATSO: Hey, Chun Li reminds me that Chinese New Year is next weekend. We should totally have a party and invite some bitches and eat chink food and whatever beer they have there.
SAGGY: YES.
CHUNKY: Dude, I just got the perfect idea to cheer up Tamra!
He stares blankly into space for 30 seconds.
CHUNKY: Yeah! This is going to be totally awesome. And you guys will finally be able to see my nipples.
RATSO: Actually, when you passed out on New Year’s Eve . . .
CHUNKY: Are you fucking serious?
RATSO: Someday the truth will come out, my man. Someday.
Saggy angrily slams down his beer can, splashing foam on the floor.
RATSO: Mom is going to be so pissed if you don’t clean that up.
SCENE V
Slim is behind the counter at Fantasy Gifts while his father arranges a display of flavored body oils, foams, and sprays.
RAYMOND: We’ve sure had some strange ones today. I never thought I would see dwarves in bondage gear buy so many nipple clamps. Do those things have other uses?
SLIM: I’ll check online when we get home tonight.
The phone rings and Slim answers.
SLIM: Fantasy Gifts. . . . Dude, I’m working here.
He waits as the caller talks for some time.
SLIM: Okay, I can look for something, but there is no way in fuck that I am going to be photographed for that shit. Or photograph it. I’ll be the art director but that is it!
He hangs up.
RAYMOND: What was that?
SLIM: Some of my friends are going to pose for an erotic calendar based on the signs of the Chinese Zodiac.
RAYMOND: That sounds like a fantastic idea!
SLIM: Yeah, I’m going to find them props and help out.
RAYMOND: Are you going to be one of the models? When I was your age, I would impress girls with photographs of me pointing at my bare, ripped abs. And the special ones got a little bit more, if you know what I mean.
SLIM: T to the fucking M to the I! I’m about to throw up all over these vagina bottle openers!
RAYMOND (laughing): Someday you’ll meet a girl worth exploiting your beautiful young body for.
END OF PART ONE
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